Pastebin

**A family walks into a talent agent's office and says, "We have an amazing act!" The agent says, "Show me the act!"**  

The father immediately drops his pants and starts pissing into the mother’s open mouth while she’s deepthroating a live eel she pulled from her vagina. The son, who’s been oiled up like a Greco-Roman wrestler, backflips onto the father’s erect cock while simultaneously finger-blasting the family dog, a shih tzu with cataracts. The daughter, who’s been quietly knitting in the corner, suddenly whips out a strap-on made of frozen sausage links and starts DP’ing the agent’s potted plant while humming *The Star-Spangled Banner* backward.  

The mother, now gargling the father’s piss, spits it into a gravy boat and serves it to the agent as a "businessman’s aperitif." Meanwhile, the son has started lactating—no one knows why—and is squirting breast milk into the dog’s asshole while the father jerks off into a fondue pot full of expired mayonnaise. The daughter, now bored with the plant, pulls out a live beehive from her rectum and starts juggling them with her labia, stinging the agent’s forehead in perfect Morse code spelling *"SEND HELP."*  

The dog, now pregnant (again, no one knows how), gives birth mid-act to a litter of rubber duckies, which the family immediately starts fucking in a conga line formation. The mother shoves one up her urethra while singing *My Heart Will Go On* in pig Latin. The father, in a moment of tenderness, French-kisses the agent’s toupee before vomiting a mix of oysters and Pop Rocks onto the son’s bare chest. The son, unfazed, uses the vomit as lube to fist the family cat (who wandered in from the alley) while the daughter sets the office carpet on fire with her mind.  

The agent, now weeping softly into his own lap, watches as the family forms a human centipede—but with more shitting. The mother defecates into the father’s mouth, who then shits it into the son’s waiting hands, who sculpts it into a bust of Mussolini before cramming it into the dog’s rectum like a fleshy Play-Doh fun factory. The daughter, now levitating three feet off the ground, starts lactating LSD-laced milk directly into the agent’s coffee cup while the cat, now pregnant with the duckies, gives birth to a fully formed tax return.  

The family climaxes in unison—literally—ejaculating a combined 17 gallons of fluids (some unidentified) onto the agent’s desk, which they then use as ink to sign a contract in blood, piss, and regret. They take a bow.  

**The agent, stunned, asks, "What do you call this act?" They reply: "The Aristocrats!"**